Joe | Sam Campbell

Sandy Torchon via Pexels

The date was going badly, and that was an understatement. Cadillac had snapped the leg of the snow crab and sent a piece of the delicate white flesh flying through the air. It landed in Joe’s glass of Dr. Pepper, but he was so busy talking about his ex-girlfriend that he didn’t even notice. And now, Cadillac sat there watching the crabmeat out of the corner of her eyes, willing him not to take a drink.

“So then, after I caught her cheating, she begged me to take her back. At first, I said ‘hell no’ but she had a really nice ass and I was lonely so I thought ‘what the hell?’…” Joe droned on. Cadillac stopped listening. She glanced down at the cell phone in her lap. She typed a quick text to her friends: self-absorbed, lack of proper social etiquette, smells faintly of marijuana. She glanced back up at him to see if he’d noticed she was no longer listening to him, but he was still animatedly telling the story of his past dating woes. She took a bite of her scampi and allowed her eyes to wander around the room.

“…but then she whispered into my ear ‘my vagina is screaming ‘feed me!’’ and that was it. Completely killed it. I mean, what guy wants to hear that? It sounds like she’s going to eat my dick or something…”

Cadillac dropped her fork. Was this guy for real?

“Excuse me?” she said.

Joe stopped and looked at her. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude or inappropriate. You must think I’m crazy.”

“This is our first date and you just told me about some girl who wants you to feed her vagina. Sounds a little crazy, don’t you think?”

“I’m so sorry. I’m just really nervous and you weren’t saying much. I tend to ramble.”

Cadillac relaxed a little. It’s been quite a while since she’d been on a date, and she wasn’t giving the guy much to work with. Maybe she was being a bit harsh.

“It’s okay. Let’s just talk about something else.” She said.

“Okay,” he said. “So, your name’s Cadillac.”

“Yes,” she smiled.

“So,” he leaned in across the table, “does that mean you’re a smooth ride?”

Cadillac couldn’t stop her mouth from dropping open. She blinked a few times and just stared at him, not knowing exactly what to say or do. Joe laughed and she felt his foot touch hers under the table. She jerked her leg away and stood up, muttering something about needing to go to the restroom. She grabbed her phone and her purse and walked out of the restaurant. She dialed her best friend’s number and as it was ringing, she vaguely considered the possibility that maybe she needed to just get a cat.

Leave a Reply