FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
Beloved Children’s Book Author to Lead B.I.G.O.T.S
(London, England) Her Holographic Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the Last, announces the appointment of A.S. Howls, the author of the best-selling Rich Whitgoode, Boy Pilot™®℠ series of books, movies, television shows, video games, snack foods, and personal hygiene products, as the new leader of the Queen’s Bureau for the Immediate Growth of Traditional Sensibilities (B.I.G.O.T.S.).
Mrs. Howls has graciously accepted this honour with the following statement:
“As a wife, mother, author, and, most importantly, the wealthiest person in the country, I take my duty as a protector of children and womanhood with the utmost seriousness. A plague of gender confusion has run rampant for too long in Western society. Now that the great nation of England has freed herself from the traitorous parasites who have turned their back on freedom to join the New World Order we will redouble our efforts to reinforce traditional values in all parts of society. Men will be strong, women will be mothers, and our children will be guided by the loving but strict hand of Her Holographic Majesty’s Fun Time, All the Time boarding schools.
“The Fun Time, All the Time schools have minimized student distractions and maximized academic instruction in the short time they have been operational in scenic locations throughout the country. The unexplained disappearances of several disruptive children have allowed more instructional time for the children who have not escaped.
“While our children, tucked into bed behind Her Holographic Majesty’s iron walls, are safe, English women are still at grave risk. Women’s spaces have become invaded by the beards, and discussions of menstruation have fallen to an all-time low. As my first duty as the new chief of the B.I.G.O.T.S. I am delighted to announce a new program in conjunction with Rwanda, England’s most important international partner. Rwanda has graciously agreed to accept and imprison those certified by the B.I.G.O.T.S. as gender deviants. This program will lead to trials and executions that will not only be swift but also more cost-effective than if the legal proceedings remained in England. These savings will be passed on to the average taxpayer as tax benefits for all those with more than six houses to their, or their corporation’s, name.
“As the incomparable Boy Pilot™®℠Rich Whitgoode™®℠says, ‘I’m not fighting against the New World Order for fame or fortune. Me and my trusty plane, the Freedom Flyer™®, fight for all those other kids held as prisoners in the basement of pizza restaurants all over the world.’
“God bless Her Majesty the Holographic Queen and the server she resides on.”
This press release is sponsored by the fourteenth movie in the Rich Whitgoode™®℠ franchise, Rich Whitgoode, Boy Pilot, and the War Against Woke™®℠, only available in the metaverse. Payment is accepted in Bitcoin, Ethereum, or Richereum, the official cryptocurrency of Rich Whitgoode, Boy Pilot™®℠.
Abby Crofton is a queer author who writes about love and other dangerous topics. She lives in Maryland. You can find her on Twitter @abby_crofton.